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January 7, 2018

Updated: Jan 9, 2019

I’m not even sure what to say. This is fucking awful. I can’t even describe the pain of waiting for your child to die. We did hand and foot art with her, we both just cried the whole time. We had “the talk” about our wishes when ... things start to fail. Every answer sounded like the wrong one.

We’re just sitting here holding her hands while she has the cartoons on. We’re watching her heart rate drop low and come back... wondering if this time will be the last.

I don’t want her to go. I don’t want to never hold her warm hand again or kiss her cheeks. But I hate seeing her in pain. She can’t talk anymore. She can barely see. She can’t move. They’re doing their best to keep her comfortable. It’s difficult when the only pain indicator is a heart rate that’s being artificially lowered with medicine.

I just don’t understand why. Two months ago she was my healthy happy little girl. Love your kids. Adore them. When it’s their time to go, no amount of begging can keep them here.

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